parenting. its a tough gig sometimes
There is a saying that goes something like, ‘everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind’.
There has never been a time when this has been more relevant for me than now. With two little babes, living away from my entire family and some really important friends while tackling this parenting thing – Its hard. This journey has certainly given me a more apathetic perspective on the lives of my loved ones.
When I became a mum it felt like I had entered a club of women. It just connects you with other mums so profoundly. I had no idea it would. Once I had given birth, literally that very minute, holding my little boy for the first time the world just felt a little different. Warmer. I always say its the minute I realised my purpose, being this little humans world for a little while and his mum for the rest of our lives. Its alot of pressure knowing that there is now a bunch of people that rely solely on you. That pressure is mostly from ourselves but also from others.
Motherhood is tough for me at times, when it gets really hard I write down the feeling I am having with the intention of working through it later. It sounds like a really strange thing to do but it is something a social worker taught me when I was battling through depression in my teen years. Its a habit that has stuck with me.
In all honesty this isn’t hard for me to share. I think there would have to be other mums and dads in a similar situation. So in the spirit of normalizing mental health issues and throwing away the stigma here are the notes I have written down (typed into memo) this year.
There is no other option than being okay. You have two babies whose lives depend on it. A Fiancé who’s career and happiness depends on it.
Why do I feel like I’m seconds away from absolute despair all of the time at the moment?
Constantly holding back
Feeling alone surrounded by friends.
Forever defending myself.
I wish I could just reach out sometimes. I don’t know why I can’t.
This is fucked. Please stop crying.
Need to get away from the noise for five minutes.
I am so lucky.
I’ll be okay if I have a bath.
I’ll be okay
Clean the house and dress kiddies.
Get hair done and put on a bit of tan, will make me feel human.
I hope no one sees this side of it all.
I don’t know how he stays in love with me looking and acting the way I do at the moment.
I can’t keep pushing him away.
All he needs is closeness.
Why cant I just get on with MIL for his sake.
It hurts more than he knows.
I resent her for having such a negative impact on our relationship and I don’t no if I can forgive her.
I hope I can forgive him for letting her.
The kids deserve a happy family.
We are not always a happy family. Are we supposed to always be great?
This weekend will be better.
Max yelled ‘for fuck sake’ in the cafe today like a hundred times. That ones my fault. Nearly died, parenting failure
If the kids go down il make sure I give him a cuddle and let him know he is still the man of my dreams.
STAY STRONG PARENTS! it can be a tough gig. It is completely okay and normal to question yourself as a parent. As a person. Nothing will test us like having to be a good parent through the toughest of times but just remember, our babies rely on us. Talk about how wonderful it is as well as how hard it can get because you never know who is struggling worse than you. “Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.”